So are you one of those 500 million people passing out of an “ESTEEMED” (pun intended) engineering institute from India?
Well, if YES this is for you!
So you have just finished engineering, which you thought was almost impossible! After all your HOD “ate-d” (read HATED) you and threatened you that you were never fit to pass 12th standard itself, let alone engineering; you wrote like a freaking thousand pages of assignments each semester; begged borrowed and STOLE records, observations, instruments and sometimes even the God damned Question papers to clear your Lab internals ! (Phew DONE!)
Bitch please. There’s more.
Lab Externals! That’s a whole different story. The air of arrogance of the external; the sudden timidity of your internal lecturer! These are the times when you thanked your stars that you bought your lab attender lunch (who are we kidding, bought them cigarettes!). ‘Cause let’s admit it, he knows more about the experiments than both the external and internal lecturer COMBINED! You connected some wires with more wires and shit suddenly worked (thank your fucking lab attender) not bad got a partial output! YUSS!
Hold your horses right there. You still got VIVA.
So, VIVA. This is something every engineering teacher yearns for! It’s that time of the year, when he feels like a bridegroom! He waits throughout the semester so that one day he’ll be the Lab external and he’ll get to take VIVA for the students and while taking (faking) Viva, it’s his birthright to take out his frustration on you; to show the students how dazzling and brilliant his academic prowess was, etc etc. In short he just wants to show that he is the MAN between the two of you (Bitch Please! We all know you got second class marks, did not get a job and hence landed in this shit hole ) next he’s gonna give you a half an hour speech on how the quality of students keeps degrading and how in his times it was way better than what it is today! (Please nod your head to whatever shit he says.)
After a point he gets bored and asks you okay, what’s this? (Actual questions, finally!). And no matter what your answer is Mister, you are WRONG! Accept your fate, smile sheepishly say “saarrr forgot saaarr that’s the only topic I lefttt saar, ask me anything else saaar ill explain saarrr pleasssee saaarr I havvvve baaddd feeeveer studying whole night saarr”. And when he asks the next question repeat the above lines. Somehow, by the attender’s grace you got 20 marks and you’re done with the lab external!
Theory externals, stay up the whole night! Smoke up memorize three units with utmost difficulty study all the derivations, peep inside the exam hall, threaten to beat up the nerd sitting next to you if he doesn’t show and somehow manage a 35! PHEW! YOU are a fucking ENGINEER
Wait, wait! We missed something in the final year. No, not the “Project” (pun intended). The campus recruitment! How on earth can you miss that? All your engineering life we wanted a job! Remember how you asked about placements in that CET cell? And throughout your first year of engineering you showed off to your other friends from different college about 100% placements? ( *in the friggin first year cusses*) This is exactly that! xD
So you get dressed up in your best pair of formals (take 2k from dad and go buy new ones cos let’s face it! No one wears formal in engineering college, anyway!) Come all shining from top to bottom! And all this for what? To get chucked out in the aptitude! That fucking stupid tenth standard math! With speed, distance, ratios and shit! WTF!
Repeat the above lines until you actually clear the aptitude (or wait until a company which has no aptitude test comes to your college)! And when this happens, YAY! Your first actual meeting! Shake hands with the interviewer (don not crush his hands to prove your manliness), put on the most fake smile you can come up with and laugh for everything he says. And when he asks you questions about anything at all, just give it your best shot and say you are a 110% sure about it, even if you are wrong. In case it backfires and he gets to know that it is indeed wrong, blame your teacher and use all the cuss words you know and accuse her of ruining your chances of getting a job. Start off about how you have to feed a family of 8. Melt them with your tears! A lot of tears. And do not let them ask you to leave until you are sure you will get the job. If need be, fall to his feet. (Most of the times there are no CCTVs watching you, but make sure beforehand!) So finally, he will pity you and will give you an offer letter! YES! YES! Someone actually gave you a JOB!
Screw everyone else. You have a job now! (In their fucking face :D)! All those hours of useless PDP classes you attended and all those lectures from your parents and family can shove it up theirs. You have a frigging JOB!
SO you think this is it? End of story? Happy ending? Please, it just starts from here! So, good luck! Cos trust me, you’ll need loads of it.
Editing courtesy: Shravya Gollapudi.
P.S. This article is meant to offend everyone who is offended! And in case you are not offended, and think none of this actually happened/will happen to you/you are immune to this, kill yourself. You my son, are an insult to the 500 million engineer community xD